Suspense

I hate suspense! It makes my stomach turn into knots. I suddenly get this overwhelming panic come over me and my skin starts to crawl. I start to have a hard time breathing and the suspense bugs me so much I can't concentrate on what's causing it! I can't wait to get to the end! It's this way with books, movies, sports games, etc. Anything where I'm sitting on the edge of my seat. To prevent this desperate feeling, of course, everyone knows I go ahead and read the last paragraph of every book I pick up. If I'm not sure how a movie is going to end, I'll scan movie reviews and talk to people who have seen the movie before I'll actually watch it. (Only with movies where I'll actually care how it ends, of course. Who cares how a Jackie Chan or Adam Sandler movie ends?)

But not today. I'm determined to let the suspense eat at me today. One of my favorite authors, Karen Kingsbury, just released the final book in a series of 14 books I've read over the past five years or so. I got hooked on these books when I was working at the church and I've been wrapped up in it ever since, waiting impatiently for each new book in the series. I've cried over lost/hurt children and the loss of a parent. My heart has broken as I "watched" a mom lose her baby after delivering her only hours before. I've rejoiced over loves found and marriages built. I'm mourned over Satan tearing apart these same marriages or even tearing at the members of the family individually. I can honestly say that I have become a part of the Baxter family. I've even contemplated moving to Bloomington, Indiana! (You'd love that, wouldn't you Mom!) One year, I even started looking for a job for Brian in the area and actually found a copyright job at the University there. I never could convince him to apply.

The suspense has grown with each book, but I've always surrendered and read the last few paragraphs to help keep it from eating at me. Yesterday, though, when I bought the last book and knew what it was going to mean to me emotionally to read it, I made a decision. I am going to let the suspense eat me alive and I am going to do everything in my power to NOT read the end of the book. I'm going to cry and rejoice and go through this book and not have a clue how it's going to end. Ultimately, that's how the whole series has been to me. Even though I've helped ease the awful feeling of suspense by draining it a little by glancing at the end of each book, it never really helped fully because I knew the "true" ending was still out there.

Well, the end is here and I'm determined not to cheat. I'm going to be a big girl for once and cry like a baby at the end. So, if you call me this weekend and I'm sobbing when I answer the phone, don't worry too much. Just reassure me that, yes, I can eventually move to Bloomington, Indiana.