Saying Goodbye to 2009

I've now written this blog post four times and have deleted each attempt. They were all too depressing and I'm been waiting for inspiration to descend.

The truth is that 2009 has been a hard year. I should be counting my blessings: the fact that my family is healthy, we have a home, we have food on the table, we can afford to go out to restaurants and shop occasionally, the fact that we've started to get our lives in order financially for the first time since we married, the fact that we have jobs to go to every day.

But I've been wallowing. I've been frustrated over how hard it has been to be a working mom this year and lonely because of the fact that I'm the only working mom I know. I've been stressed over the chaos of Will's health illness that lasted for three months and culminated to a nice ending with his broken arm on Christmas Eve. I've been stressed over the possibility of losing a job in an economic climate where retailers are struggling and just hoping and praying to make it another day. It's been hard to watch my bosses pace, to see them whisper, to see the worry lines on their faces, to hear them breath a sigh of relief with a small chuckle when they manage to make another payroll. As a couple, Brian and I have had to deal with job losses on several fronts: our own job loss at a job we worked together on the weekends, the loss of his parents' jobs and home, and a friends' job loss as well. These losses have been hard to watch and scary to deal with. And the fact is that my calendar and to-do list has exploded. The older Ann Catherine gets, the more she has to do. The more she has to do means my own to-do list grows. She's very active in Girl Scouts and her homework is growing at school. I want to be an involved parent, so all of those activities means more for me to do. Plus, with all of Will's health concerns, we've had an enormous amount of doctors visits, specialists appointments and the worry and concern that goes with it. To top it all off, the stress and anxiety has gotten to me so badly this winter that I've started having my own personal health problems with my heart and my breathing. My doctor has had to put me on medicine and then up my medicine at least once and, while upping it worked for a few days, my heart problem started back up again on Christmas Eve after we spent the day in the ER with Will. I have a feeling she'll be upping my medicine again in January. So, yes, I think I'll be happy to leave 2009 behind.

Of course, this year had some wonderful moments. Can you say Disney Trip? I have discovered a newfound obsession with all things Disney and had a wonderful time feeding that obsession this year. And getting to go for four days in October was just icing on the cake. Added to that, we have had a wonderful time growing into our new church, making new friends there, and learning how to worship in a totally new way. And on top of it all was the blessing of our newborn niece who, I can honestly say is one of the most beautiful, sweet and precious little girls I have ever seen before in my life. She ranks right up there with my own daughter. I may just have to steal her one day!

I could sit here and tell you all about December and how our Christmas went but, the truth is it was bad...really bad. All the things that I normally do to help create the Christmas magic for myself and my family never did happen. We never got to go to the Christmas programs we normally go to, we didn't get to go to the Christmas Concert I had been looking forward to attending since last Spring, and we never got to go to the Christmas Eve service I always look forward to and use to get my heart into the true Christmas Spirit the night before the big day. We discovered that Christmas is more fun with the crowded chaos with family on Christmas Day. Plus, we had to watch our son struggle to open his gifts and walk down the hall to his bedroom with his head hanging on his chest as he struggled not to cry because he couldn't play with his new toys on Christmas Day. Yeah, I think this is one Christmas I'd prefer to forget.

So I'll end this on a more positive note. I'm looking forward to 2010. I'm excited about our trip to Disney in May and will have a ball making plans and dreaming lots of dreams for what we're going to do during those eight days. I'm looking forward to getting to know the women in my Sunday School class even more and finding opportunities to maybe grow some real friendships with them over this year. I'm looking forward to continuing to work on our debt-free plan and see some of the debts actually disappear this year. And, silly as it seems for me to be excited about this so early in the year, I'm even excited about Christmas this year. I'm determined that this year will be better and will be full of some wonderful memories because this year we'll make sure we're surrounded by lots of family and crazy fun Christmas chaos.

My New Years resolution for 2010 is simply this: to do the things I can and to say no to the things I can't. I will do my best to keep up with the chores and tasks, but give myself permission to not stress over the things I can't. I will give myself permission to take days off and do nothing more than play with my kids and take some time to myself, all while ignoring the state of my house and the things on my to-do list.

And last, I'll continue to pump my children full of vitamins and milk. Healthy bodies and strong bones are a necessity for this year!

P.S. I apologize!!! How in the world could I forget the addition of my newest brother-in-law in my list of wonderful things for 2009?!? He's my husband's long-lost twin brother!