Unfortunately, I think it's official; my sweet girl is suddenly becoming a tween. There have been the physical changes slowly appearing and I've begun preparing for the inevitable larger changes that I know will soon be here. I'm reading books, talking to other moms and just generally trying to get my words ready for the enlightening conversations I know are ahead.
But last night we hit a new milestone that I wasn't quite prepared for: the emotional changes. The emotional pain and turmoil a soon-to-be-teenager has to experience.
Ann Catherine and I had a rare quiet moment together last night while her daddy put her brother to bed. Will has been sick all week (we're still convinced he has his sister's strep from last week) and wanted to go to bed early. So Ann Catherine and I ended up with a good half-hour of uninterrupted conversation. And before I knew it, our conversation dissolved into tears - mainly hers but a few unshed ones of my own as well.
She told me last night that she had no friends - that no one wanted to play with her. She told me that her whole class was laughing at her and making fun of her. Even her best friend decided to win some popularity points by asking AC how much she weighed in front of the whole class. She tells me that she's being made fun of because her weight and because she wears a bra. Even her best friend is pointing the bra out to the whole class and helping them make fun of her.
I have to admit, I think some of it is imagined. I asked about a few girls in her class that she has played with outside of class lately or who are in her Girl Scout troop and she told me that they whisper about her. Of course, the only way she "knows" that their whispered comments are about her is because they "look at her" after they get done talking. Real or imagined, no one can say. But I know the feeling all too well.
My problems is this: I don't know how to handle this. I was made fun of frequently and felt very isolated and lonely for a good chunk of my tween and teenage years. Even as a 34 year old adult, I still struggle with the depression and loneliness that results from feeling like I don't have any friends. Unfortunately, I never really learned how to deal with it. I just mainly internalize the emotional pain and put on a good front. I'm good at putting on a show for the world.
So when I find my daughter struggling with these same problems, I don't know how to handle it. I don't know the answers. I don't know what to tell her. I haven't ready any books or talked to other moms about this one yet. I've been so consumed with the physical changes that I hadn't thought about the emotional changes she would inevitably go through.
So what did I tell her? I hugged her and told her that I loved her. I encouraged her to talk to her best friend privately and let her know that she's hurting her feelings. I encouraged her to ask some of the other, nicer girls if she could play with them. And I encouraged her to learn how to ignore the mean ones in hopes that maybe they would get bored and give up with their attempts to hurt her.
I also told her that I would help her change the things we could change. I could teach her how to shave her legs when they started to make fun of that. I could help her learn how to put on makeup when that time came as well. But there were some things we couldn't change. We couldn't change the fact that she's developing much more quickly than most of the girls in her class. I couldn't change her height and while we could work on her weight, sometimes that can't be changed right away either. And I reminded her that all those changes were normal and that every single girl in her class was going to go through them. And someday, they may be the ones on the receiving end of the laughter because they are "under-developed."
But the fact is that I feel like I only put a band-aid on the wound. I don't have the answers. Beyond encouraging her to ignore the laughter and put on a cold, uncaring exterior to deflect the pain and in hopes of making the laughter die down as well, I know no other way of truly coping with this emotional turmoil.
So I ask for your prayers. And I ask for your encouragement. And I ask for your suggestions and words of advice. Because for once, I feel like I haven't done my parenting homework.
3 comments:
Aww, poor Ann Catherine. That just makes my heart break a little. I was a little younger than her when I started to develop, and at that time I was the tallest girl in my class (yeah, I know). So I can certainly understand, and I remember how difficult it was.
Sounds like you're handling it pretty well. Acting cold is maybe not the right response to kids who make fun of her, though. Telling her friends that it hurts her feelings, and then ignoring the rest of the teasing, is much better. It's tough to do, of course.
My opinion is that the best thing you can do is help Ann Catherine find things that she likes about herself, and try to help her focus on those things. Make sure she knows that her value isn't a function of what others think of her, but what she thinks of herself.
It breaks my heart, too, to hear that she is going through that. She's entereing into such a tough stage of life, and consequently, you're entering into a very hard stage also. Being the mother of a preteen/teenager is so hard because who knows the right answers?! I like it that you just listened all that time. That is the most important thing you can do, really. And that you gave her the hope that some things that come up you can help her with. I would have given very similar advice, although I wouldn't have suggested she put on a cold exterior. Hard as it is, I think she needs to put on a warmer exterior. Perhaps it's time for her to have a friend over for the night. Just one friend over means she gets the undivided attention, wihtout having to worry about 2 or 3 other little girls ganging up on her by ignoring her or making cutting remarks. As far as losing some weight, I wonder if it would help her to set some very small goals. Like losing 1 pound in a week. Or something like that, so that when she reaches that goal, she might be encouraged to lose another one. Wish I had better advice, but I don't. I just know you both need hugs, because this is hard on you both. So give yourself a hug from me and give Ann Catherine one from me, too. And while you're at it, you can give hugs to your husband and Mr. Will - from Mina. They need hugs, too.
Love,
Mom
That breaks. my. heart. Tears came to my eyes reading that. And I have absolutely no wisdom to give because I know I'll feel just as helpless the day this happens to my daughter (praying it doesn't happen, but every kid gets teased at some point). I don't know if it might help to talk to AC's teacher? Does her school have a policy on bullying or anything like that?
I hope AC can find one or two really good friends who will stick by her side no matter what. And I think it could be a really good time for her to find something that gives her confidence - like art or reading or sports or crafts or something that she's really good at.
I don't think of AC as being overweight, so that really surprises me that kids would tease her about that (and how horrible that they would!). Maybe her doctor would have some advice on that? She seems pretty normal to me, but maybe the doc could give some perspective on what "healthy" looks like for a kid her age (basically telling her, "You're not fat. If you want to stay healthy, here's how" - or whatever).
Ugh, this is so hard. Please give her a special hug from me and tell her I think she's an incredibly beautiful, smart and sweet girl.
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