We've had lots of changes in the past couple weeks and I want so badly to share them with you. I have pictures on my camera ready for posting to share with you how proud we are of our big girl becoming a Junior Girl Scout. And then yesterday, she officially became a fourth-grader! And Will - what a man he has become with his latest wardrobe acquisitions. I want so badly to grab the camera to update you with some photos of him as well.
Unfortunately, it has to wait until the swimming in my head has stopped, the room has stopped tilting and the constant movement of my eyes has finally ceased. I'd love to share the whole story but I can't see straight enough to do it just now. So instead, I'm simply going to share with you that I've been dealing with vertigo since Tuesday. To people who have never dealt with this, it may not sound like anything more than some simple dizziness (or a famous movie). I wish it was just that. I'd love to think that was all I was dealing with right now.
Instead, I'm dealing with the constant sensation of the room spinning. It tilts and spins with each movement I make. Tuesday, it was bad enough that I was throwing up every time I had to climb out of the bed. I hold onto walls to keep myself upright. And, right now, I have very little hearing in my left ear beyond a constant low, roaring sound. And none of the drugs seem to help. The dr. said that it would probably go away after a day or two. It hasn't. I'm now on day five. And I really need it to stop. The constant spinning is giving me headaches and making me just constantly tired and generally confused. I worked all day Wednesday-Friday, but left early on Friday because I couldn't sit at my desk anymore. I hear people talking to me but I'm just generally so tired and slightly disoriented, which is making it very hard to concentrate on any general task or conversation.
It's now taken me half an hour just to write this little bit. I'm constantly typing, deleting, re-reading, and retyping. I apologize for the typos.
Honestly, I wouldn't even have done this except I'm at a point where I'm begging for prayer right now. I really need to know people are praying that this vertigo will go away soon. I just want my life back. I can't sit and play with my kids in the evening or even cook dinner. I'm trying to work but driving is a little scary sometimes right now and even Grandmas are passing me in the hallways at work. Not good when you have a mile-long walk between your car and your office. And it's not easy to work when your eyes can't focus or stay straight long enough to really work on your computer.
I just want my body back. I want my routine back. I want to keep enjoying my job. I want to know that when we go on our small mini-vacation next weekend that I'll be able to get on the amusement park rides and enjoy the water park with my kids.
The dr. said it could take a week. I've talked to a co-worker who dealt with it for five months. Not very hopeful or promising news. I've called the dr's office again and again but they just keep telling me to wait it out but to come back if it's not gone in a week. So I'm waiting on Tuesday to get here. And then I'll go back and beg to see an ENT. But in the meantime, everything I'm reading online isn't helping. It sounds like no one really knows what causes this or how to do anything to make it go away. They can treat the symptoms, but not much else. And most of the treatments do nothing but make you sleep. So that's why I'm being told to wait it out. I'm told it'll go away, but at this moment, while I'm trying to focus on just staying upright in this chair, all I can do is wonder how many more days I have until I can have my life back.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
What It Takes to Be a Man
According to my son, in order to be a man, you need the following:
1. A watch
2. Keys
3. A belt
4. A wallet
He's now the proud owner of a free SpongeBob watch from Burger King. (Yes, I admit it. We took him to dinner there one night just to get the watch.)
He's forgotten about the keys, but he did nag me daily until I went on a date with him and bought him his very first belt. He now walks around lifting up his shirt and announces, "I'm a man now" as he proudly displays his new belt.
Next on his list for me to buy: a wallet. Guess we'll be shopping this weekend.
1. A watch
2. Keys
3. A belt
4. A wallet
He's now the proud owner of a free SpongeBob watch from Burger King. (Yes, I admit it. We took him to dinner there one night just to get the watch.)
He's forgotten about the keys, but he did nag me daily until I went on a date with him and bought him his very first belt. He now walks around lifting up his shirt and announces, "I'm a man now" as he proudly displays his new belt.
Next on his list for me to buy: a wallet. Guess we'll be shopping this weekend.
Monday, May 3, 2010
The Flood of '10
The past three days have been absolutely amazing. And not in a good way.
We knew last week that we were supposed to have a weekend full of rain and the possibility of severe storms. We were prepared for that. It had actually been our second weekend in a row full of rain and storms. But we had survived and didn't think this weekend would be any bigger than that. And boy were we wrong.
Saturday morning, the rain started. And sometime in the morning, we had our first tornado warning. I always hate when tornadoes come our way while Brian is away at his 2nd job because it means I have to be the calm one trying to keep our children safe and as fear-free as possible. I herded them down the stairs, grabbed the flashlight and my mink blanket and sent the dog down the stairs. We sat down there and I attempted to turn on our little TV down there. What I had forgotten is that it no longer works. There's no cable downstairs so we kept our little antenna TV down there in case of tornadoes. But TV is now digital only which means our little antenna TV no longer works. So I raced upstairs and grabbed my computer. At least the local TV stations are now streaming their broadcasts live online whenever there is severe weather. So we sat down there and watched as the storm headed straight for our house. It's wonderful how precise the radars have become. You can tell down to the street if it's headed for your house. But it's awful when you realize with horror that your exact street is right on track to get the tornado.
So I threw my arms around the kids and started praying. And I prayed and prayed. And Ann Catherine started to become more and more afraid and Will was becoming so confused. He couldn't understand why we were in that basement. But I did my best to calm Ann Catherine down. And I did my best to watch the weatherperson and that radar. And I did my best to keep Simon from licking up the small flood forming in our basement from the water outside. And I prayed and prayed out load. And suddenly I heard my little four year old boy, who has never said a prayer in his life beyond his little recited dinner prayer, suddenly say, "God, Please make the storm go away. I don't want the storm. Please take away the storm." And I couldn't help but smile and feel my heart start to melt. And oddly enough, the storm that, according to radar, was directly over my house, did nothing. I heard a little rain, but there was no wind at all. Honestly, this would be my most heart-warming moment of the entire weekend.
About an hour before Brian was supposed to leave work, I started to hear about the flood waters rising in Franklin. That's nothing unusual. Franklin lies along the Harpeth River, which is always one of the first to flood. But I knew it was bad when I heard that a boat had been called out to rescue people from the fast-food restaurant about three buildings down from where Brian was. Fortunately, my native Tennessean boy knew all the back roads and managed to get home safely. Well, almost home. Less than a mile from our house, he realized that he couldn't get home from there. The small creek just down from our house was now a lake and had overtaken the road leading into our subdivision. It took him a full 15 more minutes before he was able to wind through a neighboring subdivision to get to the front of our subdivision to finally get home.
As the afternoon wore on, we watched the local news channels in horror. The streets of Nashville were flooding. The streets of Franklin were flooding. And people were trying to drive through water, thinking that they were in cars tall enough to tackle the churning, ugly water ahead. And as the news and weather people reported the stories, they began showing the traffic cameras around town. And there we watched a horror story unfold with grief and fear in our hearts. The interstate was flooded. It was down to only the left lane and people were filling up the left lane. And then someone tried to get brave and pass everyone in the flooded right lane. And then his truck started to bob. And we watched as the water filled that final lane and the cars were no longer moving and people were trying to escape through their windows. They jumped out of their cars and tried to climb over the median divider where more traffic was oncoming. The story just unfolded in front of our eyes and we screamed at the TV in chorus with the newscasters as we all yelled at the trucks and semis who were still attempting to get around everyone now caught. And then the worst happened. A small portable from a school nearby broke loose and sailed along the murky brown water, becoming the next "vehicle" to try to pass those cars. It caught on several of the now sideways, bobbing cars and slowly, before our eyes, broke apart.
We knew that our world was instantly changing.
Sunday morning we woke up and found out that our church was flood-damaged and that Sunday School classes were cancelled and the worship service was being held in the gym since the Sanctuary was now flooded with five inches of water. After seeing the creek-turned-lake slowly returning behind our house that morning, though, we decided not to brave trying to get to church.
And then more rain started. And it kept raining. And raining. And raining. And we became obsessed with the news coverage as we watched our world change, foot by foot, inch by inch. I've always been a breaking-news junkie. I could sit all day and watch the big stories. But this was different. I've watched floods with fascination before. But suddenly this involved us. It involved our beloved town. And it involved our friends. We watched as familiar landmarks and streets became submerged. We heard stories of flood-rescue stories and realized that we were listening to stories of streets and subdivisions where friends and co-workers live. And we wanted nothing more than to flee, but were literally trapped. By mid-afternoon, when Brian attempted to get to the grocery store to get food to last for a couple of days, we realized that we were trapped in our subdivision. The lake had formed in our neighbors' backyards and had become so large and with a current so strong that it was now impossible to take the back entrance to our subdivision out. So Brian turned around and discovered that a large hill at the front of the subdivision had created its own large waterlogged area which was impassible. We were safe in our home, but could go nowhere else.
Since then we have watched our hometown fall apart. Our own little town is fine. Some roads were flooded but all the water has since disappeared. But Franklin is submerged. Too many subdivisions full of families we love and have known for years are now under water and their home are damaged or completely destroyed. We have coworkers and friends in the nearby Bellevue area who are either trapped in their homes or also dealing with the complete loss of everything they own. And we have watched with such sadness and horror as we see the river downtown take over the businesses that we love downtown, the hotel we visit for the Christmas lights every year and dream of staying in one day, and the surrounding neighborhoods full of people who likely have little to no insurance and now have no place to go and nothing to their name. And for once, this breaking news story is just amazingly and heart-breakingly too personal.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tween-Ager
Unfortunately, I think it's official; my sweet girl is suddenly becoming a tween. There have been the physical changes slowly appearing and I've begun preparing for the inevitable larger changes that I know will soon be here. I'm reading books, talking to other moms and just generally trying to get my words ready for the enlightening conversations I know are ahead.
But last night we hit a new milestone that I wasn't quite prepared for: the emotional changes. The emotional pain and turmoil a soon-to-be-teenager has to experience.
Ann Catherine and I had a rare quiet moment together last night while her daddy put her brother to bed. Will has been sick all week (we're still convinced he has his sister's strep from last week) and wanted to go to bed early. So Ann Catherine and I ended up with a good half-hour of uninterrupted conversation. And before I knew it, our conversation dissolved into tears - mainly hers but a few unshed ones of my own as well.
She told me last night that she had no friends - that no one wanted to play with her. She told me that her whole class was laughing at her and making fun of her. Even her best friend decided to win some popularity points by asking AC how much she weighed in front of the whole class. She tells me that she's being made fun of because her weight and because she wears a bra. Even her best friend is pointing the bra out to the whole class and helping them make fun of her.
I have to admit, I think some of it is imagined. I asked about a few girls in her class that she has played with outside of class lately or who are in her Girl Scout troop and she told me that they whisper about her. Of course, the only way she "knows" that their whispered comments are about her is because they "look at her" after they get done talking. Real or imagined, no one can say. But I know the feeling all too well.
My problems is this: I don't know how to handle this. I was made fun of frequently and felt very isolated and lonely for a good chunk of my tween and teenage years. Even as a 34 year old adult, I still struggle with the depression and loneliness that results from feeling like I don't have any friends. Unfortunately, I never really learned how to deal with it. I just mainly internalize the emotional pain and put on a good front. I'm good at putting on a show for the world.
So when I find my daughter struggling with these same problems, I don't know how to handle it. I don't know the answers. I don't know what to tell her. I haven't ready any books or talked to other moms about this one yet. I've been so consumed with the physical changes that I hadn't thought about the emotional changes she would inevitably go through.
So what did I tell her? I hugged her and told her that I loved her. I encouraged her to talk to her best friend privately and let her know that she's hurting her feelings. I encouraged her to ask some of the other, nicer girls if she could play with them. And I encouraged her to learn how to ignore the mean ones in hopes that maybe they would get bored and give up with their attempts to hurt her.
I also told her that I would help her change the things we could change. I could teach her how to shave her legs when they started to make fun of that. I could help her learn how to put on makeup when that time came as well. But there were some things we couldn't change. We couldn't change the fact that she's developing much more quickly than most of the girls in her class. I couldn't change her height and while we could work on her weight, sometimes that can't be changed right away either. And I reminded her that all those changes were normal and that every single girl in her class was going to go through them. And someday, they may be the ones on the receiving end of the laughter because they are "under-developed."
But the fact is that I feel like I only put a band-aid on the wound. I don't have the answers. Beyond encouraging her to ignore the laughter and put on a cold, uncaring exterior to deflect the pain and in hopes of making the laughter die down as well, I know no other way of truly coping with this emotional turmoil.
So I ask for your prayers. And I ask for your encouragement. And I ask for your suggestions and words of advice. Because for once, I feel like I haven't done my parenting homework.
But last night we hit a new milestone that I wasn't quite prepared for: the emotional changes. The emotional pain and turmoil a soon-to-be-teenager has to experience.
Ann Catherine and I had a rare quiet moment together last night while her daddy put her brother to bed. Will has been sick all week (we're still convinced he has his sister's strep from last week) and wanted to go to bed early. So Ann Catherine and I ended up with a good half-hour of uninterrupted conversation. And before I knew it, our conversation dissolved into tears - mainly hers but a few unshed ones of my own as well.
She told me last night that she had no friends - that no one wanted to play with her. She told me that her whole class was laughing at her and making fun of her. Even her best friend decided to win some popularity points by asking AC how much she weighed in front of the whole class. She tells me that she's being made fun of because her weight and because she wears a bra. Even her best friend is pointing the bra out to the whole class and helping them make fun of her.
I have to admit, I think some of it is imagined. I asked about a few girls in her class that she has played with outside of class lately or who are in her Girl Scout troop and she told me that they whisper about her. Of course, the only way she "knows" that their whispered comments are about her is because they "look at her" after they get done talking. Real or imagined, no one can say. But I know the feeling all too well.
My problems is this: I don't know how to handle this. I was made fun of frequently and felt very isolated and lonely for a good chunk of my tween and teenage years. Even as a 34 year old adult, I still struggle with the depression and loneliness that results from feeling like I don't have any friends. Unfortunately, I never really learned how to deal with it. I just mainly internalize the emotional pain and put on a good front. I'm good at putting on a show for the world.
So when I find my daughter struggling with these same problems, I don't know how to handle it. I don't know the answers. I don't know what to tell her. I haven't ready any books or talked to other moms about this one yet. I've been so consumed with the physical changes that I hadn't thought about the emotional changes she would inevitably go through.
So what did I tell her? I hugged her and told her that I loved her. I encouraged her to talk to her best friend privately and let her know that she's hurting her feelings. I encouraged her to ask some of the other, nicer girls if she could play with them. And I encouraged her to learn how to ignore the mean ones in hopes that maybe they would get bored and give up with their attempts to hurt her.
I also told her that I would help her change the things we could change. I could teach her how to shave her legs when they started to make fun of that. I could help her learn how to put on makeup when that time came as well. But there were some things we couldn't change. We couldn't change the fact that she's developing much more quickly than most of the girls in her class. I couldn't change her height and while we could work on her weight, sometimes that can't be changed right away either. And I reminded her that all those changes were normal and that every single girl in her class was going to go through them. And someday, they may be the ones on the receiving end of the laughter because they are "under-developed."
But the fact is that I feel like I only put a band-aid on the wound. I don't have the answers. Beyond encouraging her to ignore the laughter and put on a cold, uncaring exterior to deflect the pain and in hopes of making the laughter die down as well, I know no other way of truly coping with this emotional turmoil.
So I ask for your prayers. And I ask for your encouragement. And I ask for your suggestions and words of advice. Because for once, I feel like I haven't done my parenting homework.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Catching Up
Well, my absence on here was purely unintentional. But if it makes you feel any better, this blog is not the only thing that has been neglected in the past two weeks. My laundry is piled high and overflowing in my closet. I'm not exactly sure when I last went grocery shopping. And I have over 200 unopened emails in my two email accounts. So I think it's safe to say that I'm a little behind right now.
Two weeks ago, I spent a full week training my replacement at my former office. I talked all day and sent her home cross-eyed by the end of the night. But we made it through training and I can guarantee she'll be wonderful - not because I trained her but just because she has a wonderful smile, a wonderful personality, and she has teenagers at home. She'll know EXACTLY how to handle those five psychotic salesguys I worked with on a daily basis.
Then, last week, I started my new job. I spent my first day in training with the Temporary Services department, walked all over Vanderbilt's campus to get my name badge, get my parking assignment and discovered that my new parking spot was a mile away from my office. I'd like to say I'm exaggerating that a little. But sadly, for once in my life, I'm not exaggerating. And the sore muscles in my legs prove it. I went and bought very low heeled shoes that same night.
Each day last week, I talked to all the people in my department and got to know exactly what my job was and how I'd be interacting with all of them. And I discovered that a Program Coordinator is basically an Event Planner. And that's just delightful to me because that's always been a dream job to me.
But I've also made a few discoveries about my new employer and the massive corporate world I've entered. I've always worked in small businesses before and never knew some of this stuff. But getting a parking spot a mile away really opened my eyes to a new world. I discovered that this company is the 2nd largest employer in the entire state, employing about 22,000 people there. That's massive. I've always known the names of every single one of my coworkers before. I think those days are now gone - despite my elephant memory for names.
The other thing I've discovered? Corporate America spends A LOT of time in meetings. I had meetings scheduled for every single day last week. And it was a week where I was only getting my feet wet. My schedule is quickly filling up for the month as well. I'm starting to wonder how Corporate America actually accomplishes WORK sometimes.
But beyond that, I've discovered that I love my job. And I'm tired. Walking 2 miles a day can do that to you. And I spent every night last week searching for low-heeled brown shoes (plus a few other errands). So I haven't been home a single night since I started working at my new job. Between the meetings, the walking, and the running errands late at night, I was too tired to even turn on a computer last week.
So beyond that, let me catch you up on kids. Will is a mess. But when isn't he a mess? He's a wonderful sweet boy. And he misses his Sissy very much tonight. Why is that? Because his sweet Sissy is on Spring Break this week. So that means a trip north to stay with her grandparents for the week. Correction: that means a trip north to be SPOILED and LOVED ON by her grandparents for a week. I'm sure she's eating that up. She doesn't miss us and didn't cry one bit when we left. Why should she? She gets constant attention and lots of fun adventures on a daily basis without worrying about sharing it with her little brother. Can't say that I blame her excitement over this week.
Two weeks ago, I spent a full week training my replacement at my former office. I talked all day and sent her home cross-eyed by the end of the night. But we made it through training and I can guarantee she'll be wonderful - not because I trained her but just because she has a wonderful smile, a wonderful personality, and she has teenagers at home. She'll know EXACTLY how to handle those five psychotic salesguys I worked with on a daily basis.
Then, last week, I started my new job. I spent my first day in training with the Temporary Services department, walked all over Vanderbilt's campus to get my name badge, get my parking assignment and discovered that my new parking spot was a mile away from my office. I'd like to say I'm exaggerating that a little. But sadly, for once in my life, I'm not exaggerating. And the sore muscles in my legs prove it. I went and bought very low heeled shoes that same night.
Each day last week, I talked to all the people in my department and got to know exactly what my job was and how I'd be interacting with all of them. And I discovered that a Program Coordinator is basically an Event Planner. And that's just delightful to me because that's always been a dream job to me.
But I've also made a few discoveries about my new employer and the massive corporate world I've entered. I've always worked in small businesses before and never knew some of this stuff. But getting a parking spot a mile away really opened my eyes to a new world. I discovered that this company is the 2nd largest employer in the entire state, employing about 22,000 people there. That's massive. I've always known the names of every single one of my coworkers before. I think those days are now gone - despite my elephant memory for names.
The other thing I've discovered? Corporate America spends A LOT of time in meetings. I had meetings scheduled for every single day last week. And it was a week where I was only getting my feet wet. My schedule is quickly filling up for the month as well. I'm starting to wonder how Corporate America actually accomplishes WORK sometimes.
But beyond that, I've discovered that I love my job. And I'm tired. Walking 2 miles a day can do that to you. And I spent every night last week searching for low-heeled brown shoes (plus a few other errands). So I haven't been home a single night since I started working at my new job. Between the meetings, the walking, and the running errands late at night, I was too tired to even turn on a computer last week.
So beyond that, let me catch you up on kids. Will is a mess. But when isn't he a mess? He's a wonderful sweet boy. And he misses his Sissy very much tonight. Why is that? Because his sweet Sissy is on Spring Break this week. So that means a trip north to stay with her grandparents for the week. Correction: that means a trip north to be SPOILED and LOVED ON by her grandparents for a week. I'm sure she's eating that up. She doesn't miss us and didn't cry one bit when we left. Why should she? She gets constant attention and lots of fun adventures on a daily basis without worrying about sharing it with her little brother. Can't say that I blame her excitement over this week.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Change
I'm sorry. I know it's not the popular answer. But I don't really like change. I like my routine. I like normalcy. It soothes my soul. Change makes my shoulders scrunch up with stress. And then I have to visit my favorite masseuse. Then again, maybe change isn't such a bad thing after all!
I must admit, though, that change to my routine has given me some of the best gifts in life. I gave in to change when I married my best friend. I welcomed change with open arms and an excited heart with the birth of each of my children. I've changed churches, changed worship styles, changed volunteer and ministry opportunities, changed friends, and changed my schedule as my kids have grown. And all of those, while forcing me to go through a period of adjustment, gave me some wonderful things in my life.
And now I'm changing yet again. Changing jobs.
This will only be my fourth job change since graduating from college. When I graduated, I was sure I wanted to go into counseling and knew I needed my masters in order to go down that career path. But I was so burnt out on school that I knew I needed a break. So, instead, I accepted a job as an Admin Assistant at a counseling center. I figured this would give me some good experience in the counseling world and I'd be surrounded by counselors to help mentor me into that field. I spent almost five years there and was actually promoted into a position in the Managed Care department. Well, "promotion" is a little misleading. It was in a different department but, ultimately, I was still the Admin Assistant to the Managed Care Coordinator. I loved that job so the change didn't bother me. But then the company was bought out and this new company didn't see a need for me where I was. So they kind of "created" a random job for me to do. I guess they liked me enough to keep me. But I hated that change. I didn't like the new company, I didn't like their new policies and procedures, and I HATED that job they stuck me in. That was pretty much the end of my desire for a counseling job.
And just about that time, I was approached by someone at our church. They knew my background in music and they knew my love for my church; and they suggested that I apply for a newly opened job at the church. My new title was Ministry Assistant to the Minister of Music at our church. That's really just a glorified title for an Admin. Assistant.
I loved that job. I loved getting to work with the Minister of Music and I loved getting to know each and every one of our choir members. They became my family in a way. And the older members especially were dear to my heart because they'd come visit me in my office, they'd compliment my work, they'd give me hugs. They were warm and reminded me of my grandparents. And they made that job so worthwhile.
And then came a few changes at our church. The pastor left. The Children's Minister left. And people's attitudes began to change. I guess they didn't like change any more than I did. So I grew unhappy there and felt like God was closing the door for me there. And then I was suddenly approached by a very good friend who mentioned a job opening at the corporate office for his employer. He knew my background and thought I'd be a good fit for the job. So I gave him permission to pass along my resume and got the job a month later.
I was now the Sales & Marketing Assistant at the corporate office of a fitness equipment retailer. My title, yet again, was a glorified title for Admin Assistant. But this time I would be assisting a couple of VP's. I loved my job. I loved the people I worked for and the people I worked with. It had its difficult moments but I could tell that I was in the place God wanted me to be.
Until last year. Last year, my boss left, and I had a new boss. And then he left and I had another new one. And this company had change after change in the span of one year. And I started feeling more and more uncomfortable. And then the economy hit. Or, more likely, it crashed. And we felt it. Big time. And about a month ago, I started to feel God closing the door for me at this office yet again.
And during this year of being uncomfortable and trying to adjust to the changes, I started to feel something different. I wasn't happy anymore. I didn't want to be an Admin Assistant anymore. I had always worked in companies where there were only two types of employees: Admin Assistants and the Executive Staff (VPs, Ministers, Counselors with licenses after their names). For seven years now, I've even pretty much had the exact same salary. No changes there. And no possibilities of promotions. I've hit a spot where I wanted more. I wanted to be able to use my diploma. I wanted to know that I had done four years of college work for SOMETHING. I wanted a title OTHER than Admin Assistant.
And then I had a friend whom I've known since college approach me. And she suggested that I apply for a position that had opened up in her department. I knew God was closing the door for me at this corporate office, so I went ahead and gave her my resume to pass along and put in the application online. Her boss called me a couple days later and we talked for about ten minutes. I liked her immediately. And I was intrigued by the job she was considering me for. There was one small hiccup: the job was temporary. She's put into the budget for it to become permanent but she won't know if that will come to be until June or July when the budget is approved. I could tell she was concerned, suggesting that she hated to take me away from a permanent, stable job to come into a job that she couldn't promise would become permanent. And a God moment happened. I opened my mouth and felt words spilling out of my mouth. Not my words since they weren't a reflection of the concern and slight panic in my heart. "Well, if you had asked me a year ago, I wouldn't have even considered it. But right now, given the economy and how hard things have gotten over here, I really don't think this job I'm in now is any more stable or permanent than what you're offering today." And while they weren't my words from my heart, my heart recognized it as truth.
She said she'd call me a week later. And she did. On Tuesday afternoon, she called me and offered me the job. No interview or anything. She reminded me yet again that she couldn't guarantee that this job would become permanent although, but given the growth and stability of her department, she felt strongly that it would become permanent. And then she gave me a little bit more news; as long as it was temporary, I'd have to take a pay cut. Not much of a cut, but a pay cut nonetheless. Plus, no benefits until then. So I'd have to take a small pay cut and find my own insurance. Then again, the suggestion of what she could offer after it became permanent made me knew it'd be worth the wait if I could just make it past the temp period.
There's something else I should tell you. The company I was considering? It's with Vanderbilt University Hospital - the 2nd largest employer in the state. It's a company I'd always wanted to work for but never thought I could get into. Their benefits are so awesome that people work hard to get in and then work harder to stay in. You have to KNOW someone to get in the door. Plus, if anyone could offer me a challenge and the possibility for advancement in my career, it would be this company. So getting a chance to get in the door, albeit while only on a temp basis, made me seriously consider this job.
So I prayed, made a decision based on the call I felt in my heart, and second-guessed myself, and prayed some more. I'm good at hearing God's voice and then doubting that I heard God's voice. So the morning of the day I promised to call this woman back, I drove my son to daycare and then got a call from my dear husband as I was driving on to work. He asked me what my decision was. We hadn't talked about it that morning, but he finally had a moment away from kids and thought he'd ask. I told him that I thought I heard God's answer, but I was second-guessing myself. And then I went silent. I thought about talking more, but then I felt God telling me to be silent. I often talk over Brian but there are times where I hear God telling me to be silent. To listen to Brian and let his words sink in. You have to know my husband to understand, but this man doesn't often make decisions on his own. He allows me to make his decisions. He allows his parents to make his decisions. He allows his coworkers and friends to make decisions. It's not intentional on any of our parts to take over. But he has a hard time making up his mind and find it easier to allow others' words and suggestions to guide his own decisions. It's just the way it is. But this time, I find myself sitting silent. And he finally gave me his suggestion from the bottom of his heart. He admitted her fear over the money it'll take to cover my own insurance policy. He admitted his fear over the insecurity of not knowing if it'd become a permanent job. But then, he said something else, "Amanda, I think you should take this job." When my husband tells me that he's ignoring his fear of the insecurity of life during these next few months and suggests that I go forward with what is basically a gamble, I knew I needed to listen. And I knew he was right. And what he said lined up with what I had felt God tell me all along. Five years ago, we survived a year without a job for Brian. On paper, it shouldn't have worked. Our budget was always in the red. So we had to throw away the budget and move forward day by day. And we survived a year like that. Only God could have carried us through that year. And what was four months when you compare it to that year. And if this job didn't turn into permanent, we knew that God would carry us along just like He did five years ago. We simply had to trust Him.
So we trusted Him and I accepted the job.
So, in two weeks, I will be making a MUCH longer commute to head to work downtown once again. I'll be working in the Nursing Education area as a Program Coordinator. Can I tell you more about it? No, not really. Remember, I didn't get interviewed. And I never went down there. I have no idea where I'll be working and I'm only vaguely clear on what I'll be doing. I know it involves their department's website somewhat. I know it involves learning a new computer program and putting stuff into the computer. I know I'll be working with nurses. I know that my friend Lori will be across the hall. I know I'll be working for an incredible company that has awesome benefits. Beyond that, I have no idea. I just know that God is telling me to go, so I'm going. And I'm really looking forward to it!
I must admit, though, that change to my routine has given me some of the best gifts in life. I gave in to change when I married my best friend. I welcomed change with open arms and an excited heart with the birth of each of my children. I've changed churches, changed worship styles, changed volunteer and ministry opportunities, changed friends, and changed my schedule as my kids have grown. And all of those, while forcing me to go through a period of adjustment, gave me some wonderful things in my life.
And now I'm changing yet again. Changing jobs.
This will only be my fourth job change since graduating from college. When I graduated, I was sure I wanted to go into counseling and knew I needed my masters in order to go down that career path. But I was so burnt out on school that I knew I needed a break. So, instead, I accepted a job as an Admin Assistant at a counseling center. I figured this would give me some good experience in the counseling world and I'd be surrounded by counselors to help mentor me into that field. I spent almost five years there and was actually promoted into a position in the Managed Care department. Well, "promotion" is a little misleading. It was in a different department but, ultimately, I was still the Admin Assistant to the Managed Care Coordinator. I loved that job so the change didn't bother me. But then the company was bought out and this new company didn't see a need for me where I was. So they kind of "created" a random job for me to do. I guess they liked me enough to keep me. But I hated that change. I didn't like the new company, I didn't like their new policies and procedures, and I HATED that job they stuck me in. That was pretty much the end of my desire for a counseling job.
And just about that time, I was approached by someone at our church. They knew my background in music and they knew my love for my church; and they suggested that I apply for a newly opened job at the church. My new title was Ministry Assistant to the Minister of Music at our church. That's really just a glorified title for an Admin. Assistant.
I loved that job. I loved getting to work with the Minister of Music and I loved getting to know each and every one of our choir members. They became my family in a way. And the older members especially were dear to my heart because they'd come visit me in my office, they'd compliment my work, they'd give me hugs. They were warm and reminded me of my grandparents. And they made that job so worthwhile.
And then came a few changes at our church. The pastor left. The Children's Minister left. And people's attitudes began to change. I guess they didn't like change any more than I did. So I grew unhappy there and felt like God was closing the door for me there. And then I was suddenly approached by a very good friend who mentioned a job opening at the corporate office for his employer. He knew my background and thought I'd be a good fit for the job. So I gave him permission to pass along my resume and got the job a month later.
I was now the Sales & Marketing Assistant at the corporate office of a fitness equipment retailer. My title, yet again, was a glorified title for Admin Assistant. But this time I would be assisting a couple of VP's. I loved my job. I loved the people I worked for and the people I worked with. It had its difficult moments but I could tell that I was in the place God wanted me to be.
Until last year. Last year, my boss left, and I had a new boss. And then he left and I had another new one. And this company had change after change in the span of one year. And I started feeling more and more uncomfortable. And then the economy hit. Or, more likely, it crashed. And we felt it. Big time. And about a month ago, I started to feel God closing the door for me at this office yet again.
And during this year of being uncomfortable and trying to adjust to the changes, I started to feel something different. I wasn't happy anymore. I didn't want to be an Admin Assistant anymore. I had always worked in companies where there were only two types of employees: Admin Assistants and the Executive Staff (VPs, Ministers, Counselors with licenses after their names). For seven years now, I've even pretty much had the exact same salary. No changes there. And no possibilities of promotions. I've hit a spot where I wanted more. I wanted to be able to use my diploma. I wanted to know that I had done four years of college work for SOMETHING. I wanted a title OTHER than Admin Assistant.
And then I had a friend whom I've known since college approach me. And she suggested that I apply for a position that had opened up in her department. I knew God was closing the door for me at this corporate office, so I went ahead and gave her my resume to pass along and put in the application online. Her boss called me a couple days later and we talked for about ten minutes. I liked her immediately. And I was intrigued by the job she was considering me for. There was one small hiccup: the job was temporary. She's put into the budget for it to become permanent but she won't know if that will come to be until June or July when the budget is approved. I could tell she was concerned, suggesting that she hated to take me away from a permanent, stable job to come into a job that she couldn't promise would become permanent. And a God moment happened. I opened my mouth and felt words spilling out of my mouth. Not my words since they weren't a reflection of the concern and slight panic in my heart. "Well, if you had asked me a year ago, I wouldn't have even considered it. But right now, given the economy and how hard things have gotten over here, I really don't think this job I'm in now is any more stable or permanent than what you're offering today." And while they weren't my words from my heart, my heart recognized it as truth.
She said she'd call me a week later. And she did. On Tuesday afternoon, she called me and offered me the job. No interview or anything. She reminded me yet again that she couldn't guarantee that this job would become permanent although, but given the growth and stability of her department, she felt strongly that it would become permanent. And then she gave me a little bit more news; as long as it was temporary, I'd have to take a pay cut. Not much of a cut, but a pay cut nonetheless. Plus, no benefits until then. So I'd have to take a small pay cut and find my own insurance. Then again, the suggestion of what she could offer after it became permanent made me knew it'd be worth the wait if I could just make it past the temp period.
There's something else I should tell you. The company I was considering? It's with Vanderbilt University Hospital - the 2nd largest employer in the state. It's a company I'd always wanted to work for but never thought I could get into. Their benefits are so awesome that people work hard to get in and then work harder to stay in. You have to KNOW someone to get in the door. Plus, if anyone could offer me a challenge and the possibility for advancement in my career, it would be this company. So getting a chance to get in the door, albeit while only on a temp basis, made me seriously consider this job.
So I prayed, made a decision based on the call I felt in my heart, and second-guessed myself, and prayed some more. I'm good at hearing God's voice and then doubting that I heard God's voice. So the morning of the day I promised to call this woman back, I drove my son to daycare and then got a call from my dear husband as I was driving on to work. He asked me what my decision was. We hadn't talked about it that morning, but he finally had a moment away from kids and thought he'd ask. I told him that I thought I heard God's answer, but I was second-guessing myself. And then I went silent. I thought about talking more, but then I felt God telling me to be silent. I often talk over Brian but there are times where I hear God telling me to be silent. To listen to Brian and let his words sink in. You have to know my husband to understand, but this man doesn't often make decisions on his own. He allows me to make his decisions. He allows his parents to make his decisions. He allows his coworkers and friends to make decisions. It's not intentional on any of our parts to take over. But he has a hard time making up his mind and find it easier to allow others' words and suggestions to guide his own decisions. It's just the way it is. But this time, I find myself sitting silent. And he finally gave me his suggestion from the bottom of his heart. He admitted her fear over the money it'll take to cover my own insurance policy. He admitted his fear over the insecurity of not knowing if it'd become a permanent job. But then, he said something else, "Amanda, I think you should take this job." When my husband tells me that he's ignoring his fear of the insecurity of life during these next few months and suggests that I go forward with what is basically a gamble, I knew I needed to listen. And I knew he was right. And what he said lined up with what I had felt God tell me all along. Five years ago, we survived a year without a job for Brian. On paper, it shouldn't have worked. Our budget was always in the red. So we had to throw away the budget and move forward day by day. And we survived a year like that. Only God could have carried us through that year. And what was four months when you compare it to that year. And if this job didn't turn into permanent, we knew that God would carry us along just like He did five years ago. We simply had to trust Him.
So we trusted Him and I accepted the job.
So, in two weeks, I will be making a MUCH longer commute to head to work downtown once again. I'll be working in the Nursing Education area as a Program Coordinator. Can I tell you more about it? No, not really. Remember, I didn't get interviewed. And I never went down there. I have no idea where I'll be working and I'm only vaguely clear on what I'll be doing. I know it involves their department's website somewhat. I know it involves learning a new computer program and putting stuff into the computer. I know I'll be working with nurses. I know that my friend Lori will be across the hall. I know I'll be working for an incredible company that has awesome benefits. Beyond that, I have no idea. I just know that God is telling me to go, so I'm going. And I'm really looking forward to it!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Leaps & Bounds
Sometimes it simply amazes me how much my kids have grown. It tends to catch me off guard at weird moments. I know how old my kids are. But sometimes I don't realize how much they've grown until I hear or see them do something and I realize that something has changed. They've changed! Whether it's how tall they are, how their language capabilities have changed, or ways that they've matured and can comprehend.
It's often at weird moments. I'll pick Ann Catherine up at school and, when she comes and stands next to me while I'm talking to a teacher, it'll suddenly occur to me just how tall she actually is. I'll suddenly become startled because I realize that her head reaches my shoulder. And it feels strange because I could've sworn it wasn't that way yesterday. Just yesterday she only came up to my chest, didn't she?
And Will. On Friday, I heard him chatting to himself in the living room while I was in my bedroom getting ready for work that day. It's not unusual for him to talk to himself. He loves to stand in front of mirrors and just chat away with his reflection. (They love this at daycare, by the way!) So whatever he was saying that moment really didn't sink into my brain until suddenly I was startled once again. "...Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." Huh? Did I seriously just hear my child say, "Indivisible?" More importantly, did my child just repeat the ENTIRE pledge of allegiance. He refused encore presentations, however.
Of course, he startled me again the next day. Once again, I was in my bedroom. (I promise - I do not stay in my bedroom all the time and allow my children to supervise themselves. Not often, anyway.) And I heard his small little voice. "J, K, LMNOP, Q, R..." Huh? Seriously? When did my child learn his alphabet? I swear the child was barely talking yesterday. And now he speaks in complete sentences AND knows his alphabet? Have I been sleeping through the past couple months?
Of course, it's moments like those where I come to a few realizations. I realize suddenly how much older my children have become and how much more mature and grown up they are. And I kind of mourn the loss of my babies. Of course, close on the heels of that discovery is the realization of how much older I'm getting. My graying hair should be a daily clue. But really, I feel like I'm in my mid-20's all over again until it suddenly hits me that my daughter is almost as tall as I am. And suddenly I feel so old. How in the world can I be in my mid-20's and have a daughter who can look me straight in the eye - without having to stand on a chair or table or calling for my attention so I can look down at her?
It's often at weird moments. I'll pick Ann Catherine up at school and, when she comes and stands next to me while I'm talking to a teacher, it'll suddenly occur to me just how tall she actually is. I'll suddenly become startled because I realize that her head reaches my shoulder. And it feels strange because I could've sworn it wasn't that way yesterday. Just yesterday she only came up to my chest, didn't she?
And Will. On Friday, I heard him chatting to himself in the living room while I was in my bedroom getting ready for work that day. It's not unusual for him to talk to himself. He loves to stand in front of mirrors and just chat away with his reflection. (They love this at daycare, by the way!) So whatever he was saying that moment really didn't sink into my brain until suddenly I was startled once again. "...Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." Huh? Did I seriously just hear my child say, "Indivisible?" More importantly, did my child just repeat the ENTIRE pledge of allegiance. He refused encore presentations, however.
Of course, he startled me again the next day. Once again, I was in my bedroom. (I promise - I do not stay in my bedroom all the time and allow my children to supervise themselves. Not often, anyway.) And I heard his small little voice. "J, K, LMNOP, Q, R..." Huh? Seriously? When did my child learn his alphabet? I swear the child was barely talking yesterday. And now he speaks in complete sentences AND knows his alphabet? Have I been sleeping through the past couple months?
Of course, it's moments like those where I come to a few realizations. I realize suddenly how much older my children have become and how much more mature and grown up they are. And I kind of mourn the loss of my babies. Of course, close on the heels of that discovery is the realization of how much older I'm getting. My graying hair should be a daily clue. But really, I feel like I'm in my mid-20's all over again until it suddenly hits me that my daughter is almost as tall as I am. And suddenly I feel so old. How in the world can I be in my mid-20's and have a daughter who can look me straight in the eye - without having to stand on a chair or table or calling for my attention so I can look down at her?
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