My heart is full right now and all I want to do is go home, cry, and spend the rest of the day on my knees in prayer. If it didn't require taking vacation time to do it then I'd seriously consider it. I guess it just means spending my weekend on my knees in prayer instead. This time, though, I'm not on my knees for myself. Instead, I'm on my knees for so many other people that I care so much about. I'm surrounded by too many hurting people this week and I'm wondering right now exactly what God wants from me more than just my prayers.
On Tuesday morning, one of my best friends found out that her husband lost his job. And as newlyweds, I know that, financially, this is not a good place to be in - not for their budget or their marriage. I've walked those shoes before and they are not easy to walk in. So, my heart is full for them.
On Tuesday afternoon, I received an e-mail from another one of my best friends telling me that she's been through so much pain emotionally in the last two years that she's finally reached a point where she needs a psychiatrist. I've walked those shoes one too many times myself. I not only feel so bad for the pain she's going through right now, but I feel bad because I know that I've neglected our friendship over the years. My heart is so full for her right now.
On Wednesday night, I found out that a friend Brian and I had met at a marriage retreat a year or so ago is eight month pregnant with a baby who is not expected to live once she's born. They're doing a c-section in a couple of weeks in hopes of at least keeping the baby alive through the birthing process. I've never walked those shoes before and I hope I never will, but my heart is still so full for her.
Today, I found out that a very dear co-worker of mine just got a call from his wife. She was five-weeks pregnant with their first child and had gone in for her first check-up only to find out that she had a miscarriage. His heart is breaking for his wife and I know her heart is broken as well. And my heart is so full for them.
I sat in my car and cried all the way home Wednesday night. I just had to go sit in my car just now again to compose myself yet again because all I wanted to do was cry. I'm not at all crying for me. But I'm so broken for them. I care so much about all of these people and to see them so broken and full of grief, sorrow, and pain makes my heart hurt so bad for them. And all I want to do is spend my day on my knees crying and praying for them.
In return, though, I am overwhelmed by my blessings. With each one of these new prayer requests so heavily laid on my heart, I am so quickly reminded of what I'm NOT having to go through. I have a healthy family where our worst concern is an occasional ear infection. I have a loving husband who isn't perfect but still loves me despite my own imperfections. I have two BEAUTIFUL children whom I love to the point of my heart bursting. I have a relationship with my parents and sisters most people only dream of. I'm in a church I love where I have found a place to serve. I'm in a job I love and can't wait to go to every day. We struggle financially but we still pay our bills every month and we can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm exhausted from working full-time and playing single mom part-time but we still manage to get through the days without any major catastrophes. I have friends that, though I neglect them often, still love me the same. I AM SO BLESSED!!! My favorite quote from Max Lucado is "Measure the Gifts of God. Collect your Blessings. Catalog His Kindness. Assemble your Reasons for Gratitude and Recite Them." He then goes on to quote 1 Thess. 5:16-18 (NCV): "Always be joyful. Pray continually, and give thanks whatever happens. That is what God wants for you in Christ Jesus." I have that saved as the backdrop on my computer so I can read it every time my day seems to turn sour or I'm in the wrong mood or frame of mind.
Please help me carry these people in prayer. They need prayer so badly. But also, please be in prayer for me as well. My heart hurts so much for these people and I'm trying to figure out how God wants me to minister to these people. I feel strongly that He's given me a task in all this. For a couple of these people, I'm fairly certain that they aren't saved and I'm starting to recognize that He wants me to just show His love and speak His name and show them that they have Someone who can help them carry their burdens. So please pray for me as I try a task that I've never felt comfortable doing. But I've read a line in a book recently that said something about the fact that God can use a stumbling tongue more than He can use a silent one. So I'm trying to offer my very stumbling tongue and be the tool that He is calling me to be.
One more thing to pray for and I hope you don't mind. God is changing me. He's trying to do a total transformation of me and my personality to mold me into the person He wants me to become. The problem is that I'm having to change the person I have been for 32 years and, even though I recognize who He's wanting me to become, getting there is the hardest thing I have ever had to do before. I told Brian Wednesday night as I was driving home that I feel like a caterpillar wrapped tightly in a cocoon and, knowing that it's time to emerge into the beautiful creation He wants me to be, but feeling so tightly wrapped up in this awful shell and struggling so hard to break free and begin trying out my new wings. So pray for me as I struggle. God wants me to be something I'm not naturally but this new being is so beautifully laid out in His Word so I know it's where I need to head.
So thank you for your prayers, although I apologize if your heart is now full too.
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2 comments:
Amanda, it definately sounds like God is working in you, and that can be so hard sometimes. I'll be praying for your friends. It sure sounds like a lot of heartache there. I really appreciate you sharing this so openly. You've made yourself very vulnerable, and that's a beautiful and touching thing. I'm praying for you, too.
Amanda - So sorry to hear about all those trials your friends are facing. That's tough, and definitely hard to understand. It's good to know how to pray for you specifically. Thanks.
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